De retour en France...

Well, I'm back in France and have been since Sunday.  Normally I would be thrilled to be back, but this time I am not.  I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about it, and I've been busy trying to figure it out.  I absolutely did not want to get on that plane on Saturday and I would have done almost anything to stay.  Unfortunately I had to get back to reality, to work, and to my miserable apartment.

For the first time ever I was truly devastated to be leaving the US and after all this time abroad, I think I am finally experiencing homesickness.  It's a weird feeling for me.  I've always prided myself on my ability to adapt to change with little to no difficulty, but this time it is hard.  And it isn't even true change because I've been living in France for a while now.  I think it just finally hit me.  I had been home in over a year and I finally went back and saw my family and friends after such a long absence and I just really started to realize what I am leaving behind.  Plus, before I always knew that I would be going home in the summer, and now I don't know when my next visit will be.  I'm hoping for August, but I can't be sure that it will work out.

Before I left for the States everyone kept telling me that it would be good for me and it was exactly what I needed for the holidays.  But now I'm starting to wonder if that was true.  I don't think it was good for me; it just left me more hurt and depressed than anything else.  And I don't know if it was what I needed; it has only created more questions without answers.  This whole trip has left me feeling sad and uncertain.

I am starting to wonder if Lionel and I should stay in France or if we would be better off in the United States with higher salaries and more luxury.  But perhaps I am just looking at this through rose-tinted glasses.  I am fresh off a great visit to the US where I was on vacation and not working.  Perhaps I have forgotten those realities of life in the United States that originally made me happy to leave.  Maybe I need a reminder so I can feel more comfortable with my life here and more certain that staying is what is best.  But for now, the question is in my head: do I want us to go to the US and give life there a try?  For the first time ever Lionel actually said (in complete seriousness) that if I want to go back, we can go.  Is that what I want?  I think I have a lot of thinking to do.  Or perhaps I just need to return to my routine in France and things will be better.

The strangest thing is, I don't know if I should be feeling this way either.  I felt very awkward in the US.  I felt comfortable with my family and friends, but with everything else it was strange.  I easily fell back into the habit of driving everywhere (let's face it, I don't really love the metro), but there were other things that just felt so strange and made me feel like an outsider even in my home.  I thought it was the most amazing thing in the world to hear people around me in stores and restaurants speaking English.  Every time I heard it I was confused and shocked.  It just seemed strange.  And I could not get used to tipping and showing ID.  It just didn't feel natural and I had completely forgotten it was necessary.  It also felt foreign to be surrounded by so many chubby, poorly-dressed people.  Not that I am the skinniest person in the world and not that I dress well, but even I felt small when I was back in the States.  And I felt like I was dressed in designer clothing compared to the people around me.  It was strange.  I also noticed that my English has been suffering from living in France.  I noticed myself saying things and as soon as they came out of my mouth I knew it wasn't right (either it didn't sound right or I could tell from the looks on people's faces).  It was difficult and it concerns me.  I think it is a mix of all the French around me and of having to teach British English most of the time, rather than American English.

So what do you do when you no longer feel completely at home when you are home?  When you don't feel at home anywhere that you live or have lived?  How do you decide which place is best for you and where you will be happiest?  Or do you just put all the thoughts aside and live life as it is and not worry about the future?

This trip has confused me more than ever.  When once I thought I was certain I knew what I wanted, I am now unsure of what to do.  But I guess for now I have no choice but to stay in France and continue the path I am on now.  I can only try to make the best of it by looking for a new job, finding that bigger and better apartment and by seeing what 2010 has to offer.

Happy New Years / Bonne Année!!!

We are having a great time in the US and I'm sad to go back to France.  We leave in 2 days, and I really don't want to get on that plane.  For the first time ever, I am not excited to leave the US to go back to France.  It feels strange to be depressed about this, but I think it is because I feel like I have barely had time to visit with friends, especially with the wedding and the holidays keeping me busy.  But I hope to make it back in August, and if I'm lucky it will be for the entire month so I can really spend some good quality time with those I love on this side of the ocean.

However, we still have 2 days left and I plan on taking advantage of the time that is left to visit with family and friends and to ring in the new year.  This year I won't be going to any big parties or anything like that, but I think it will still be a great New Years Eve at home with my parents, my in-laws, my husband, my aunt and uncle and a few friends.  Then tomorrow we have more family coming for New Years Day and then I'm hoping to make it out with some friends tomorrow night to see them one last time before we head to the airport on Saturday to fly back to Paris.  I know my New Years will be great, and I hope the same for you!

Happy New Years!!!

The wedding en photos

Just a few photos from our State-side wedding:

Lionel and I

 

Lionel and I

 

me before the wedding

 

the wedding party

 

married!  again...

 

cutting the cake

dancing like crazy!

The wedding was a great time and I couldn't be happier.  My friend made my dress, the location was wonderful, everyone seemed to have fun, the decorations turned out great and I think it all went well without any real problems.  I am looking forward to getting the photos from the photographer, but for now these will have to do!

Christmas

I'm having a great Christmas with my friends and family in the US and I hope everyone else is having a wonderful Christmas (or other holiday) as well, wherever they are.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!!

Update

Just a quick update...we safely arrived in the US on Thursday with very minimal travel problems.  It's great to be home and I'm having an amazing time seeing family and friends!  I know this is going to be a wonderful vacation, but it is going to go by to quickly!

We had the wedding on Saturday and it went very well.  Better than I could have ever imagined!  Hopefully I'll find time to get some photos up soon!!!  We had no problems and I had a great time, and so did everyone else (I think).  I loved my dress, the location was much more beautiful than I had thought and it was perfect.

Now that the wedding craziness is over and things are a bit more calm, we are getting ready for Christmas and doing some sightseeing with my in-laws.  So far we have visited Columbus and today we are going to the Air Force Museum.

Hope to post again soon with some photos!

Freedom!!!!!!

I'm happy to report that I survived this very long, miserable day of work and I am now on vacation!  An entire two weeks of freedom!!!  We leave tomorrow morning for the US, and I cannot wait to get on that plane and be headed back to see my family and friends.  I've been looking forward to this for so long, I was beginning to think it would never happen!

Of course, not everything can be that rose-colored.  In an effort to destroy my happiness, it is supposed to snow late tonight/early tomorrow morning and cause possible delays at the airport.  And of course, there is supposed to be a bit of a metro and RER strike tomorrow, making it even harder to get to the airport.  But I will not be deterred...I will arrive in the US, on time and happy, and I will enjoy these two weeks of freedom spent with friends and family!!!!

The next post will probably be from the United States, unless I am so busy I don't even find time to post until my return to Paris in January.

Yet another grève

I was hoping I wouldn't have to post about it because I feel like all I ever do is complain (that's what this country has been doing to me lately), but I officially can't take it anymore.  The RER A has been en grève (on strike) for days now, and I'm starting to get sick of it.  It was originally only supposed to be last Thursday, and I was fine with that because I neither use the RER A on Thursdays nor do I go to la Defense.

However, the strike continued, and on Friday I suffered quite a bit because of this strike.  On Friday mornings I teach two lessons in Rueil Malmaison (on the RER A) and then I have one hour to get from Rueil Malmaison to Ivry for my next two lessons.  Let's just say that on normal days this is already nearly impossible (I'm usually 5-10 mins late), but on Friday it just could not happen.  After arriving to work perfectly fine Friday morning, I was feeling confident.  But then they closed the RER station in Rueil Malmaison.  I ended up having to take a bus from Rueil Malmaison to la Defense, which took an hour.  Then I took the extremely crowded line 1 (because of all the people not taking the RER from la Defense into Paris) from la Defense to Palais Royal-Musee du Louvre to head into Ivry.  Of course then the line 7 decided to hate me and the branch going in my direction wasn't coming for 20 mins.  And the line 7 wasn't even on strike!  So I had to get off at Maison Blanche, walk to the Porte d'Italie, where I of course missed the tram, and so then had to walk to the company.  The entire trip ended up taking me 2 hours and 15 mins and I was hot, angry and tired at the end of it.  Luckily one of my Friday afternoon lessons had been moved to Thursday morning and the girl I saw on Friday (an hour late), is my friend and so it didn't matter and I didn't lose any money.

I figured the strike would end after the weekend, but of course when I got up this morning, the Frenchies were still on strike.  I had a fairly normal trip to work at la Defense this morning, but my trip home this evening was miserable and 30 mins longer than normal.  There were so many people taking the line 1 home that I had to wait in a line that went down two flights of stairs in order to just get onto the overly crowded metro platform.  I wish I had a photo of it, but I couldn't even move my arms.  Once on the platform I had to wait to get into a metro and then be crammed in all the way into the center of Paris where I could finally get off and switch to my line to get home.

When will these Frenchies ever learn that their ridiculous demands are not the problem of the entire French population and that they need to think about someone other than themselves?  I enjoy being in France, but I don't know how long I am going to be able to live with the strikes.  I know that they are a part of France and that you have to get used to them, but after having spent over 3 years in this country, I'm still not used to them and they still make me furious!  And I can't imagine how it will be if there is a two week long metro strike while I have my teaching job...I will lose so much money and be so incredibly angry!  Let's just hope the Frenchies calm down and start thinking about the entire population of the country instead of just their precious fonctionnaire selves!